Hello there and welcome to my blog! I've been threatening to do one of these for ages and now find myself with a little free time to do so. I'm not sure how it's going to work; I'm hoping to do a monthly update, but I wouldn't hold your breath! :-) Also, each month might not just be words on a page like this, it could be a top 10 list or a bunch of poetry or some pictures I found on the internet that I wanna share with you, either way, it'll be a weird online representation of how my mind works, which sounds just as bizarre to me as it does to you! Anyway, on with the show eh?
So as the title suggests, this blog is going to be a little bit serious because I feel that it's important that you know a little about me in order to understand just what the hell is going on in this head of mine. So we are going to have a little look at Clinical Depression because I suffer from it and it's important to know this if you're going to know me!
I had originally decided that I was going to share a modified version of my whole story with you, however I've just decided not to do this because; a) I would feel like I was whinging and b) there are people involved who wouldn't appreciate being spoken about in my blog. So because of this, I'm just going to try and give you as good a picture as I can of how my depression affects the way I view the world and my place in it.
I was first diagnosed with Clinical Depression waaay back in 2007 and have been fighting a long and very tiring battle with it ever since, it has changed my life completely in more ways than one and it has seen me lose touch with friends and ultimately cost me my job this month. It's a very hard thing to live with. When you wake up each morning and you don't care whether you make it through the day or not, it's bad. when you wake up each morning and you're actually disappointed that you survived another night, it's even worse.
I have never tried to take my life through all of this but I have been damn close on more than one occassion and the thoughts that I have had at those times in my life were terrifying. I live in fear of those thoughts returning and living with that fear only adds fuel to my already brightly burning depression pyre, and as such, this dragon eats its own tail.
Depression feeds on itself and the more depressed you are, the more depressed you become. In my case, initial feelings that I had regarding whether I was one of lifes failures or not snowballed into how I feel today. At this current time of writing, I swing between a complete self hatred; I hate everything about me, how I look, how I sound, my personality, my geeky nature. Everything.
At the same time, I actually appreciate that my life is not so bad. I am a nice person, I am friendly and smart and (occasionally) funny. I have great taste in music (and yes, that includes Roxette!), great taste in films and books and have a kick ass imagination (even if it does border on the strange and quixotic!).
So right now, the negative and the positive swirl around each other like dirty water going down a plughole. Most of the time, it's fair to say, the negative side holds sway. It's not the way I would have it, but it is the fact of the matter. Let's be honest, Depression wouldn't be a mental illness if it made sense, would it!?
I am trying to fight it and believe it or not, seem to have had a mini-breakthrough of late as I have started to feel a little more positive about myself. I'm glad I'm writing this and not saying it out loud because I wouldn't want to tempt fate. I'll touch some wood anyway, just to be on the safe side.
So anyway, that's kind of what's going on in my head right now. Some of you will know about this already, some of you may be shocked to discover how bad my depression is or that I even have depression at all. That's the other thing, see. Masks. Everyone wears them in order to juggle their daily lives. For instance, you have your work persona and your home persona and treat people differently depending on where you are and who you are with. It's the same with me, only I have a Mask that hides the depression too, or hides it as best I can.
What this means is that sometimes you might bump into me in the street and I'll seem like the happiest most positive person you've ever met, whether I feel that way or not. I, like many, many other sufferers of Depression, do not like others knowing about it because it still isn't seen as a real illness by some and more a sign of a weak character and/or personality. It is SO not a sign of a weak character.
Also, for the record, if you do ever see me looking glum or 'down in the dumps', for your own sake, don't tell me to "pull myself together" or that "Nothing's THAT bad", because believe me, sometimes, it IS that bad. Even if to you it doesn't seem so.
If you know anyone that is depressed or you think is depressed and needs help, there are a few links below that might be of use to you. One last thing I will say is this; if you know someone who is depressed, talk to them, spend some time with them, let them know that they aren't alone, that there's nothing wrong with the way they are feeling and that you're there to help if they need it. In fact, just give them a hug dammit! Sometimes, that's all we need!
Okay, miserably serious blog over!
Peace out, bitches!! ;-)
Kenny
Important Depression Links:
Mind
Infoline: 0300 123 3393
Information on a range of topics including types of mental distress, where to get help, drug and alternative treatments and advocacy at www.mind.org.uk
Carers UK
helpline: 0808 808 7777
Information and advice on all aspects of caring at www.carersuk.org.uk
Depression Alliance
tel. 0845 123 2320
Search for information, support and self-help groups at www.depressionalliance.org
Rethink
advice line: 0845 456 0455
Information and support for people affected by severe mental illness at www.rethink.org
Samaritans (These guys saved my life. Fact.)
Confidential emotional support service for anyone in the UK and Ireland at www.samaritans.org
24-hour helpline: 08457 90 90 90
Depression UK
www.depressionuk.org
A self-help organisation made up of individuals and local groups.
National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE)
www.nice.org.uk
Guidelines on treatments and caring for people with depression.
Papyrus (Prevention of Young Suicide)
helpline: 08000 68 41 41
www.papyrus-uk.org
Committed to the prevention of young suicide
Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS)
The Flamstead Centre, Albert Street, Ilkeston, Derbyshire DE7 5GU
helpline: 0844 561 6855
w: www.uk-sobs.org.uk
Emotional and practical support and local groups
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